#05 Letter from the past

To: Koh Kai Ling

Well, it has been close to three years since we last spoke. In fact, we don’t even make contact in the virtual world. We don’t add each other on Facebook, and I still remember deleting all of your contact details off MSN, and your number off my handphone too. Yes, I really detested you to such an extent.

We never had a big fight or quarrel. We simply fell out. Stopped talking to each other. You were the one who initiated it though. You never replied me. Ever since then, I remembered thinking that I’d never want to have the slightest thing to do with you ever again.

First I would like to ask you, how did things turn out the way it did? Do you even remember what happened that eventually caused us to fall out? Because I still do. I recall clearly all of the little incidents that eventually snowballed to an unbearable pile of faults that we picked at each other.

Then again, it was not as if we never had great times together.

We used to be such close friends, almost like sisters. We went everywhere with each other, even to washrooms, to the extent that some people referred to you as “the lesbian friend”. Perhaps it was this closeness that we had, that inevitably caused us to fall out. We had such high expectations of each other. And when one of us failed to meet the expectations, we ended up severely disappointed in each other.

Remember the birthday cake you and some others baked for me? Of course, it was no doubt the worst cake I’ve ever tasted. It was tasteless, rock hard, yet clumpy and gooey at the same time. It was just plain bad. Yet, this was not the reason as to why I started tearing when the cake was presented to me. I was just so touched that you and the rest took the effort to bake me a cake when I seriously did not expect anything for my birthday at all.

All these happy memories, does the negative really outweigh the positive?

Because there came a point in time when the friendship gradually soured into rivalries.

I remember how things started to turn nasty. We began throwing sarcastic remarks back and forth, and even though it might come across to others as we’re harmlessly mocking each other, deep in our hearts, we both know that those comments are meant to spite.

If I only had one question to ask you, then I would genuinely like to know: were you ever jealous of me? (Not that I possessed any qualities to be jealous of, but you know, you get what I mean.)

Because if you’re not, why do you even spread malicious lies about me to my other friends when I have done nothing to hurt you? Are you really that insecure?

I still remember one of the childish incidents that really disgusted me. We were in secondary three at that time. I mentioned about how I would get a new ear piercing, and asked if you would like to accompany me. Not only did you say that didn’t want to get any, you went on and on slamming me about how piercings are gross and distasteful and low class. Well, that’s fine by me. I was not offended by the way you spoke of my tastes, because I thought that it was an honest opinion of yours, and different people have different point of views. But lo and behold, look what happened? Within next week, you went to get new ear piercing on your own. Now, tell me. Is that absurd or absurd?

What exactly happened? What were you thinking when you said those things to me? What were you trying to achieve when you did those entirely ridiculous stuff? I really cannot understand you, even till this day.

If I were to turn time back, I wouldn’t fix this whole friendship. Yes, that’s right. In a way, I am glad that I knew of your true colours before I even continued investing my emotions and trust further into this friendship. I cherish all the good times, but I also hate the things you said and did to me.

If anything, intentional cruelty is one of the hardest things to forgive.

Well, you betrayed my trust. That’s the final thing I have to say to you.

Good day. I hope none of your future friends will suffer the same fate as I did.